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DGC Health

Try Active Listening 

Listening is listening, right? Not always—not when it comes to your most intimate relationships. Your family and friends want to feel important, respected, and most of all, heard. With these precious relationships, regular listening might not do—you might need to try active listening.

What's Active Listening?

Active listening is more than just hearing the sounds coming from someone’s mouth. Active listening is all about absorbing words and actions, processing them, and responding appropriately. It's trying to understand what someone else feels, seeing what he or she sees, and understanding the situation from another perspective. In short, active listening is not about you.

7 Steps to Active Listening:

Step 1: Give Your Undivided Attention

When discussing something important, focus on listening. Give your partner your undivided attention—don’t watch the TV, wash the dishes, or play on the computer. Instead, show your love and respect by removing distractions and listening intently.

Step 2: Control Your Body Language

Once you have removed all distractions, sit down in a quiet place. Face your partner, make eye contact, and lean in slightly. This shows that you are paying full attention and are interested in what that person has to say.

Step 3: Listen with a Purpose

Did you know that people usually speak about 100 to 175 words per minute? You are able to listen intelligently to as many as 300 words per minute, so it can be easy to let your mind drift (bad idea, it shows!). So try listening with a purpose. Stay focused, try to understand things from your friend’s perspective, and show support.

Step 4: Encourage Sharing

Good listeners show their interest and empathy by encouraging the speaker: nodding the head, maintaining eye contact, and murmuring assent (“mm hmm”) here and there. Good listeners also validate the speaker with statements such as, “That makes sense” or “I can see how you could feel that way.” You need not agree with every single thing: Do your best, and remember your first priority is to show love and respect.

Step 5: Keep Your Focus off Yourself

Many of us are so busy thinking of what we are going to say, or how we’ll prove our point, that we’re really listening to our own thoughts instead of the speaker. But remember: Active listening is not about you. Bite your tongue for now. Your turn to share will come later.

Step 6: Take a Walk in Someone Else’s Shoes

Remember, we all see things differently, and don’t always see a complete picture. The speaker is sharing a personal view of the situation. You don’t have to agree with that view to show respect, you just need to understand where he or she is coming from.

Step 7: Give Some Feedback

Ask questions that build on what the speaker has shared. If he or she says, “I can't stand my boss,” show your interest and comprehension by asking, “Did your boss do or say something that set you off?” Also try paraphrasing. Restate what you heard in your own words, to check that you understood his or her meaning. For instance, if your partner says, “Let's spend more quality time together,” show you understand by saying, “Like taking a weekend away together, taking more walks, or going out, just the two of us?”

Active listening can reap great rewards once the people in your life feel both heard and understood on a consistent basis. Once you've become a better listener, you'll be able to mend misunderstandings, avoid conflicts, and build stronger relationships.